People get sober in all sorts of ways. Sometimes they just quit on their own. Sometimes they go to rehab. They show up in 12-step rooms, ashrams, churches and their parents’ basements. There is no one right way—something we’ve aimed to show in our collection of How I Got Sober stories. While we initially published these as either first person essays by our contributors or as interviews with anonymous sober folks, we eventually began to realize that there were other stories to tell: yours. This is our reader spotlight and this, more specifically, is Lee:
Click here to see all of our How I Got Sober stories. Do you want to be featured in How I Got Sober? Email us here for details.
What is your sobriety date?
I don’t have a sobriety date. I never thought it would be of use to me. I quit sometime in 2009.
Where did you get sober?
In my house. I grew up in a small Welsh valley with a population of 3,000 people. I only knew two people who had never drunk alcohol. I only knew one person who had ever quit and that was my grandfather.
When did you start drinking?
I was 14. Like most kids in the UK, my father bought me my first pint thinking he was turning me into a man.
How would you describe your life before you quit drinking?
It’s strange, but at the time it seemed like a great life. I was married for 15 years, had a son and all of the trappings of a successful middle class life. But all I did was drink and think about drinking.
It wasn’t until I quit and did a lot of work that I realized that I was waltzing through life on autopilot. I had no meaning or purpose. I was lost.
What was your childhood like? Teenage years?
I found out that I was half-Chinese when I was eight (my parents and my three sisters are all white). The kids were picking on me in school and it turned out that my biological father was from Hong Kong and left before I was born. I have never met him.
From that moment onward, I was different to everyone else. My parents moved from England to Wales when I was 10 and everything changed. My grades went out of the window as I tried to impress a bunch of kids who hated me. The Welsh are very xenophobic, particularly to the English.
But I excelled in football. I fought back against the bullies and became quite popular. I was playing senior football at a very young age and it was the adults who introduced me to drink and drugs when I was still a kid.
When did you first think you might have a problem?
I always had a gut feeling that drinking alcohol was nuts. I suffered from terrible hangovers and thought it was insane to keep adding lemonade, coke, lime, whatever, to this potent poison. But I could never quit because my friends would have banished me from the kingdom.
It wasn’t until my first marriage started falling apart that I realized I had lost control. I was arguing every time I was drinking. I was blacking out. I was missing work on Mondays. I was stopping off at the pub after work every night. And my drinking in the house had escalated from a bottle of wine a night to half a bottle of whiskey.
How did you rationalize your drinking?
Where I grew up it was as essential as food, sex and water.
What do you consider your bottom?
My first wife and I had gone to see a marriage guidance counselor to try and save our marriage. After 30 minutes, the counselor said to my ex-wife, “If you don’t quit drinking, your marriage will end.” My wife replied, “I am not stopping.” It was in that moment, when I became less important than three bottles of wine for £10, that I made alcohol my number one enemy.
Did you go to rehab?
I never went into rehab. I quit smoking 16 years ago after a friend recommended I read The Easy Way to Stop Smoking by Allen Carr. I thought it was bullshit, but I read it because my friend had quit. I wanted to prove him wrong.
I read the book and I have never craved a single cigarette in 16 years. Think about the power in that knowledge. The world is programmed to believe that nicotine is one of the five most powerful drugs in the world and it’s nothing but a myth concocted to keep you hooked.
When I decided to quit alcohol I picked up the The Easy Way to Stop Drinking by Allen Carr and I knew I would never drink again before I had finished the first page.
Did anything significant happen while in rehab that is important to your sobriety?
The most significant moment for me was when I learned that alcohol offered me zero value. Without value there is no desire. Without desire there is no craving. I have never craved a drop since I quit, and alcohol is also one of the top five most powerful drugs in the world—another illusion to keep people hooked.
What do you hate about being an alcoholic?
I hate the way that society has normalized the consumption of alcohol to such an extent that I didn’t even know I was an alcoholic. Furthermore, most of my friends are, or at one time have been, alcoholics but also didn’t know it.
I also hate the way in which people are drinking, and slowly destroying their lives, and the value they believe they are receiving is illusory. That one kills me.
What do you love about being an alcoholic?
Nothing.
What are the three best tools you have acquired to stay sober and happy?
- You need to learn to reprogram your mind to understand that alcohol offers zero value. Otherwise, you will be using willpower to quit and that means a life of lack—who wants that?
- Once you quit, you are faced with a lot of time on your hands. I call this white space. You need to fill this white space with activities that align with meaning and purpose. Find meaning and purpose.
- Find a community of open-minded people interested in personal continuous improvement.
Do you have a sobriety mantra?
Stop drinking, start thinking, because you only have one life.
What is the most valuable thing that has happened to you in recovery?
I quit alcohol to save my marriage and my wife divorced me. I moved out of the family home, gave everything I owned to a friend and had to live with the heartache of seeing my son once a fortnight. I quit my job of 20 years and created a new company from scratch called Needy Helper to help other people quit alcohol. I quit my gambling addiction, recovered from £30k worth of debt, quit a pornography addiction, quit a sugar addiction, gave up meat, turned vegan, Recovery gave me the power to do anything.
Have you worked the 12 steps? What is your opinion on them?
I don’t pay much attention to an organization that has refused to change since the 1930s.
If you could offer a newcomer or someone thinking about getting sober any advice, what would it be?
Find a community of like-minded people, open your mind and learn to reprogram your mind to believe that alcohol offers zero value. Take control back from alcohol.
Any additional thoughts?
I created the Needy Helper and The Alcohol & Addiction Podcast to help reduce the leverage that alcohol has in people’s lives. We have a forum and ever growing library of training courses designed to help people achieve this.
Click here to read all our How I Got Sober stories.
Photo provided by Lee Davy; used with permission.
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