Who are the people you are closest to? It might be your spouse, parent, sibling or friend. These deep and meaningful relationships can provide the pillars of our lives, and can also help protect us from addiction and relapse.
“I have come to believe, deeply believe, that the quality of our relationships are the most powerful immune system we have against isolation, depression, stress, suicide, addiction, and trauma,” writes Cenk Matalon, a counselor with Sunshine Coast Health Centre, a non 12-step rehabilitation center in British Columbia, Canada.
That’s a powerful claim, but it’s not unusual in the world of addiction. Deep traumas — most often rooted in relationships that were not healthy — can cause people to turn to drugs or alcohol. Once addiction takes hold it often leads to behaviors like lying or stealing that erode any positive relationships that a person has.
It’s no wonder that people often claim that the opposite of addiction is connection. That connection is built in loving, trusting and authentic relationships with the people around us. Here’s how relationships can impact your addiction and sobriety, and how to strengthen the relationships that you have.
Addiction can often be traced to bad relationships.
There’s no one cause for addiction, but for many substance abuse is rooted in unresolved trauma. That trauma may have happened in their childhood, when the adults in a child’s life couldn’t provide stable relationships that allowed the child to develop a sense of trust in the world.
“Our initial wounding happens when we are little and after this wounding, a whole structure of defense strategies gets erected which then masquerades as our true personality,” Matalon writes.
If a person is hurt as a child, they’re likely to put up walls to protect themselves. They might choose to believe that they can’t trust anyone. Or, they could adopt an identity that keeps others at arms’ length: either by being socially withdrawn or overly gregarious. These defense mechanisms are understandable, but they make it impossible to form the deep, authentic relationships that we need to be happy and healthy.
Unfortunately, this pattern remains even after you get sober.
“Every client who is trying to leave behind an addiction suffers from a severe case of shallow or continuously dysfunctional relationships,” Matalon says. “Either they are surrounded by those who simply don’t want to or don’t know how to treat others more respectfully and lovingly, or themselves have simply given up on relationships altogether.”
In order to form those meaningful relationships, people need to recognize the ways that their past impacts their present.
“Having great relationships means, among other things, that I am so aware of my wounding and conditioning (along with my outdated coping mechanisms), and that these no longer have such a strong grip on my life,” Matalon writes.
Authentic relationships can be healing.
There are many medical traditions in culture around the world that believe “like cures like.” The same thing that injured you, when taken intentionally, can relieve your pain. A similar idea is true of relationships and addiction.
“We get wounded in relationships and we healthe most deeply also in relationships,” says Matalon.
In order to form a meaningful relationship, you have to be your authentic self. That means letting go of the walls and defenses that you have put in place, and allowing yourself to be vulnerable.
For many people this is scary, because as a child, when you were vulnerable, you were not given the care that you needed. But opening yourself up and receiving love and friendship in a healthy relationship can rebuild your sense of trust in the world. Over time, that will make you more confident in leaving behind your maladaptive coping strategies.
“Having great relationships means that slowly but surely I am leaving behind who I think I am and who everyone else wants me to be, so that I can give a chance to who I really am,” writes Matalon.
Keeping your relationships healthy.
Healthy relationships have both give and take. You must support others, and feel like you are getting support, love and understanding in return. Because healthy relationships are reciprocal, you need to form them with someone who is capable of healthy relationships themselves.
To evaluate whether your relationships are healthy, ask yourself:
- Can I be myself with this person?
- Do I feel I know who this person really is?
- Over time, does this relationship feel balanced?
- Am I my best self in this relationship, or are unhealthy coping strategies creeping in?
Fostering healthy relationships takes work, and it can have a steep learning curve, especially if you’ve never been able to create good relationships before. However, these relationships are worth the work: they’ll help keep you happy and healthy, and add a level of meaning to your life.
Sunshine Coast Health Centre is a non 12-step drug and alcohol rehabilitation center in British Columbia. Learn more here.
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